Full title inside
by The Lady Jade of Mal Zeth
Summary: This is, generally, a storybased aroundevery stupid fanfiction and novel’s plot I have ever read.And considering the possible plots, that’s quite a few.The idea was quite cheerfully stolen from a fanfiction writer whose name escapes me.Better thanu think
1. Section 1

**Section 1- The Beginning**

Welcome to the beginning of "Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley and Ginny (alternatively known as Ginerva, Guinevere, Ginevra, Virginia, Genevieve and others) Weasley, with other useless characters and The Secret of the Overused Plot Device"

Long title, but, again, not many people seem to have realised that a title is, in fact, a title and not a summary, accounting for the many "Untitled" fan fictions, along with the fanfics titled so lengthily that this is, in fact, no subtle plot, foreshadowing or surprises in the remainder of the story (which is coincidentally the entire story).

Summary: This is, generally, a story based around every stupid fanfiction (and novel's) plot I have ever read. And considering the possible plots, that's quite a few. The idea was quite cheerfully stolen from a fanfiction writer whose name escapes me but wrote a story called "Harry Potter and the Overused Plot Devices". I noticed a lot of room for development and humour, and was inspired into writing this. This is not a jibe at the original writer, simply a statement that states that I happen to have a warped mind and thus am carried to strange and often disturbing and dangerous places. Let the demented tale begin…

This story begins with the telling of the story of the beginning of Hog's Warts (otherwise known by some as the greatest school for magic the world has ever seen). It began, like the greatest of all things, including bars; in a bar.

Two witches and two wizards were powerful in mind, knowledge and magic and bored out of their minds. So they decided to start a school, where other young witches and wizards could become as knowledgeable, wise and bored as they currently were. As they exited the bar, they saw a sign at the Apothecary next door: "Hog's Warts, three sickles a pound". So they had a boredom-sugar-and-alcohol-fuelled revelation and decided to name their school Hog's Warts School for the alcoholically and magically gifted. Of course, this name sucked but they used it anyway because it was mistaken as a sign from God when the real sign was around the corner.

Their motto was decided to be "Never tickle a sleeping dragon." This is because Godric, being the bravest, having the least attention span and naturally most stupid of the bunch, tickled a sleeping dragon on his first day of school and his burns became his first lesson.

As they now had a name based on an apothecary's sign and a school motto based on an idiot's burns, they figured they could open the school to the public. It was a dismal failure.

This was probably, as Rowena later explained, due to lack of classrooms, teachers, students, schoolbooks, food and lodging. Godric rather stupidly slammed his head into a wall, decreasing his already low brain cell count, Helena dove in front of his to stop him from hitting himself again, hitting her own head on the wall in the process, Salazar chuckled mysteriously and swore to kill mudbloods, as it was obviously their fault his school had failed while Rowena simply slammed her book and went back to the pub. She _was_ the intelligent one, and when else is better to get ideas than when completely sloshed? After a moment's thought, everybody else followed her.

While at the pub, they had a revelation. "Perhaps…" muttered Godric, "We could actually get all the stuff a school needs… And then people would come, right?" He looked eagerly at his friends, who were alternately dancing on the table singing "I wish I could you up, " (three guesses who- Rowena, Helena or Sailor-talk Salazar), drooling on his shoulder while muttering about sheep-eating frogs with needles (Rowena, ever the dignified one), and trying to chase hallucinogenic mushrooms with their toes (that's right. The ever-loyal Helena was on drugs).

Naturally, in the morning, everybody had forgotten about what the courageous one (hero-worship-speak for the stupidest one with the most guts) had said, drowned in headaches, nausea and vomit as they were. So they decided to allocate those with the best handwriting (and the easiest one to convince) to write down ideas and stay sober while the other two got totally pissed and came up with the ideas. Equal division? No way. Salazar decided to stay sober and take embarrassing, blackmail-worthy photos- oh, and take notes, of course. Helena was bullied into it by Godric and Rowena, who both just wanted an excuse to see fairies again for a while (otherwise known as drinking until your brain fluid leaks out your ear and forms puddles on the floor that look like fairies to those who just had the brain fluid drained).

So they determinedly set off for the pub, completely undeterred by the bartender refusing them entry and blasting them out onto the street, for apparently they had done some- or several- unforgivable things last night. They sat on a park bench instead, while Rowena opened up her refedex and found a new place. When she'd found it, they went there and followed their plan.

As a result, the school was formed, Rowena married Godric 8 months later (she had begun to show just the _tiniest_ bit), Salazar got his blackmail photos, Helena got her mushrooms, and all were happy.

* * *

My dearest readers (who probably don't exist as I am writing this, as it is my first story), I am pleased to say that this story continues in "Section 2- the bit after the beginning, but before the middle." Fortunately for you, I have already written it and intend to post it next saturday, but only if I get reviews, because otherwise I'll forget to update (one review by anybody on saturday and I'll update. I have a really terrible memory).

All hail to the Dragon Lord of Angarak!

With laughs and booze,

_The Lady Jade of Mal Zeth_


	2. Section 2

Section 2- the bit after the beginning, but before the middle 

Until hundreds of years later, when they were dead anyway…

And Tom Riddle walked the corridors of Hog's Warts! SHOCK! HORROR! DOOM- quite literally!

So Tommy old boy was shaped there by prejudice, hatred and the Dark Arts, and soon after changed his name from Tommy to The Dark Lord MouldyShorts. Shortly after, he changed it to Lord Voldemort, but the first name had stuck, so he was now Lord MouldyShorts. He made it a point to never wear shorts and reveal his flabby calves, but his lower robes were mouldy instead.

Everybody was terrified of saying his name, of course, because they might accidentally burst out laughing at the thought of him wearing mouldy shorts and displaying his flabby calves. And if they did that, Lord MouldyShorts (being the poor little dumpling who was sensitive about his calves) overcompensated by blowing them to bits. Oh yes, and he poked their dead bodies and insulted their families for laughing about his flabby calves, too.

But anyway, after a while, the funniness wore off, but the Mouldy Lord Shorts still preferred to not be referred to by name, preferring He-who-prefers-not-to-be-referred-to-by-name-and-instead-as-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-as-he-is-rather-sensitive,-especially-about-his-flabby-calves-and-weak-bladder-and-the-fact-that-he-is-a-half-blood-on-his-father's-side-who-was-a-muggle-named-Tom-Riddle-but-is-quite-proud-and-arrogant-about-the-fact-that-on-his-Squib-mother's-side-he-was-a-descendant-of-Salazar-Slytherin-the-Slosh-head-which-is-quite-a-noteworthy-thing-as-Slytherin-could-hold-his-liquor-and-as-one-of-his-lesser-accomplishments-was-one-of-the-four-greatest-wizards-in-Britain-which-he-who-must-not-be-named-felt-he-was-equal-to-which-wasn't-hard-as-they-were-all-pregnant-drunks-even-the-men. After ages of people fainting (especially the old ladies) after saying it without breathing in the middle, his preferred name was just shortened to include all the important points; Sensitive-about-calves-and-bladder-and-squib-mother-and-muggle-father-and-pregnant-men.

So, his Mould Eaters, quite blind to the fact that their beloved leader (sometimes just called Lord Shorts) was a half-blood, with a squib mother to boot, despite the rather obvious fact that it was in his name, continued on their rampages, happy with torturing people nicer than themselves and hating themselves subconsciously for it, some of them strangling themselves in their sleep as they couldn't live with themselves before Lord Shorts put a stop to it. Their rather affectionate nickname of "Old Mouldy" became a term used to identify Mould Eaters after the Ministry discovered the tattoos on their bums (a pair of mouldy green shorts wearing a crown with a pink banner saying "Old Mouldy").

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This continues in part three: the Middle. Please feel free to LEAVE A REVIEW OR DIE, as the 8 hits on my chapter one did nothing for my confidence.

If it helps, read it out loud, but unless you have joke-telling skill, it doesn't sound funny anyway…

The next bit is about Lily and James, and at the moment I really need to break it up, because it's about eight pages long with margins as big as possible and I haven't gotten to the main story yet… I think I'll make subsections…

Adieu, all those who read and do not review, and may your veins burn with the flames of a thousand Furies.

Auf Wiedersen to those who do review, and please make a note to review this chapter.


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